Forever ^ 5

Ok, it's been two weeks and Michael Jackson is still dead. State funerals don't get this level of coverage. Sadly, I can't make it stop because my wife would be mad if I put a bullet through our LCD TV.

My friend Tom sends me this from Yahoo: Resolution honoring Jackson faces GOP opposition.

Gist of article: The House wants to pass a resolution honoring Michael Jackson.

Question: Why is everything in the form of partisan debate? Despite the fact this garbage is sponsored by a Democrat, I am certain there are other Democrats out there rolling their eyes at this, not just Republicans and Independents.

Seriously, the government has solved at the big problems of the world so they can spend time on such insignificant and symbolic crap? Excellent! That means health care reform, violating the Constitution to craft a treaty with Russia, illegal immigration and a host of other problems have already been fixed. Hurrah! Now they can cut spending since they won't need the money anymore.

Rant commentary aside, it's fisking time!

First, the sponsor:

Jackson Lee, a Texas Democrat, took the stage Tuesday at the Staples Center in Los Angeles and hoisted a framed copy of the resolution, embossed with a gold seal. The measure will be debated on the House floor, she said.

I feel sorry for her as a child. Doubly so if she was actually named after Michael Jackson. There must have been an ass-whipping in there somewhere. I got more than my fair share as a child because I had an uncommon name for the time but at least my name is correct for my gender.

Continuing on...

Without mentioning King by name, Jackson Lee noted at the memorial that Michael Jackson was acquitted of child molestation charges. She blasted critics who "don't understand the hearts of entertainers" and "don't know how they heal the world on behalf of America."

Entertainers heal the world? Really?!? Then what do we have doctors for? Decoration? Why spend a dozen years and hundreds of thousands of dollars to become an MD when all one really needs to do is pick up a microphone and win American Idol? That's going to be a blow to a lot of medical practitioners out there since it appears they've all done it wrong.

Critics don't understand the hearts of entertainers? Is there something special and superhuman about entertainer hearts over regular people hearts that give them special powers? Must be since entertainers can heal the world on behalf of entire countries! That power must have a really short range though since things are still a shithole in Africa despite Madonna and Bono both tripping through several times. Maybe the people had to get really close for them to be healed.

Hmm, maybe Lee is on to something here with Michael Jackson?

I wonder though. If we're sending entertainers out into the world to heal it on behalf of America, that is going to come as quite a surprise to the US Navy. I don't recall seeing a flood of supplies being carried ashore on the backs of entertainers after the tsunami a few years ago or entertainers swooping in to drop supplies on Myanmar from the sky. We've wasted billions of dollars on carrier battle groups that can do things like this and it was entertainer's the whole time.

Amazing people, those entertainers.

Now for the math lesson...

Her legislation, House Resolution 600, lists several charitable acts by Michael Jackson over his long career and proclaims him as an American legend, musical icon and world humanitarian. He is, Jackson Lee said, "someone who will be honored forever and forever and forever and forever and forever."

Wow! How long is "forever to the fifth power"? Must be a really big number. I get lost after "infinity squared". Man, Michael Jackson dies and his honor will outlast the Universe. Who knew? Then again, he could heal the world so why not have his honor woven into the fabric of spacetime and travel beyond unreachable horizons?

If I were the Universe, I wouldn't be so keen on having Michael Jackson's "honor" woven inside me. Wouldn't that be an honor violation?

Poor Jackson Lee is running into problems though...

In the House, non-controversial resolutions honoring a person who has died or carried out a noteworthy accomplishment normally move quickly from committee to the House floor and then pass on a voice vote. The Michael Jackson resolution, introduced June 26, is awaiting action in the House Foreign Affairs Committee, of which Jackson Lee is a member and King is not.

An opponent could ask for a recorded vote, which then requires a two-thirds majority for passage. So far, Jackson Lee's resolution has just one co-sponsor, Rep. Diane Watson, D-Calif.

One co-sponsor. I guess Michael Jackson's healing powers didn't work domestically since she's only managed to get one other fool to sign on to this.

Then again, we're talking about the same body that passed a 1200+ page energy bill that wasn't even completed, no one had or could read and did it in a few days. Michael Jackson must be pissed off that his forever and forever and forever and forever and forever honor is taking so long. It took the House less than a week to fix "global warming", er "climate change", er "The Earth will kill us all!" but is into the second week of deliberating whether to do something as important as honoring Michael Jackson beyond the Heat Death of the Universe.

Well, it does take time to do important things. We wouldn't want to rush something as important as this, would we?

I think they should stick an amendment into this resolution forming a special guard to watch over Michael's grave though. They are going to bury him without his brain and that should be a concern for us. If he rises tomorrow, he'll be the head zombie and with no brain to kill, he'll be really hard to take down. Bullets won't stop it. We'll need to be ready for that. He could amass a legion of other dead celebrities and begin walking among us. Then again, how would they stand out against the living celebrities? They don't have functioning brains either.

When will this stop?